Communication is bullshit

Whats the point of trying to communicate your feelings?

You try to tell the person your feelings. And then what? DO you expect them to sympathize with what you're going through? To empathize and understand? To be happy for you? To try to fix it? Seriously.. What is the point of communication between couples?

I find myself asking that question one time too often. I've got a gazillion thoughts running through my head every day, and half of them are about you. But should I tell you about them, would it help us grow, what would these sharing of thoughts and feelings do for us?

Nothing.

Its the sad truth. No relationship should, and would withstand complete honesty. And Im not even trying to be "completely" honest here. Whats the point of saying something that won't mean anything, or affect the relationship in a good way?

Yes, I'm mad about this.

Yes, I'm angry about how irresponsible you are. 

Yes, I wish you would change and understand how much your words mean to me..

Yes, I take your words very seriously and I hope you see that.

But then again, I should not expect anyone to change for me, no? So whats the point? whats the point really of communicating my "needs"? 

I always tell my friends. "You should make sure he knows how you feel". I guess I'm a hypocrite in this way. At this point, I don't see the point for that really. I'm learning to love the person for who he is, and its up to me to live with this. If it doesn't suit you, leave. 

Is this how most relationship end? I think so. 

But what can I do? Nothing much. 

February

February has been a taxing month so far. Hell, what am I saying? This year has been crazy. Not only the things that has happened but also getting ready for things that are going to take place. And this two weeks especially, has been really bittersweet.

1. Getting in, and out, and in again into a PhD program

UC Merced offered me a spot. Thank God! I guess I am the luckiest girl sometimes, Im pretty sure its by His grace that I am even remotely considered for this spot. I don't know what He has in store for me though, an if anything, I'm kinda bitter about it. Really? A PhD? Another 4 years into research and having no life? Sigh. I guess I can do it. If this is the way You have planned for me Father, I'll do it, I'll excel like I've always pushed myself to.

2. It was a great boost of ego and confidence

Don't get me wrong. I may not sound too ecstatic about getting into a PhD program, but i cannot deny how much this has really motivated me to work harder on my thesis, and validated my abilities and capabilities to once again excel like I should. It has also given me more patience and understanding to deal with people like S. And above everything else, it gives me hope. That I am definitely going to graduate and I can make a future for myself here.

3. It posts a challenge to our relationship.

Well I guess we could safely say that we're kinda over the honeymoon phase. I wasn't expecting it to be all smooth sailing and lovey dove. Hell we never had that we always had our significant downtimes and fights that I'm grateful we pulled through. But this was something else. Within myself, for I could not speak for him, I felt joy, but it was intertwined with guilt; I felt relieved (mainly because I get to stay in the country and be here with him); but it was overshadowed by fear that he might leave me anyway. It was a weird time, i could feel his anger, his depression, his sense of resentment, and while it was not targeted at me; i could not draw the line between what he is feeling and what we are feeling as a whole. The distance, the harboring of guilt and anger, the misunderstandings, the doubt, the fear, the uncertainty. Will our love be strong enough? I don't know, but I know I will do anything it takes to sustain this relationship.

4. I'm still fat

You know when Rob Kardashian termed the last year of his life as one of his lowest points cos he's just fat and unhealthy and has super low self esteem and shit? I think there is where I am now. I wouldn't go as far as to say these are the darkest moments of my life, cos it obviously isn't, but health wise, I really do need to buckle up and start a more positive lifestyle. Age is catching up on me and that makes me depressed too. I am NOT looking forward to my birthday, now surprise there but I think life is generally good and its just so unfair and so stupid to let something like my weight, which is fully within MY control, to overshadow all the joy and happiness in life.




I want to make February a good month. I can. And I will. Let's do this.