After the storm

How long is the serenity going to last?

I feel the quivers still.

Ground me. Hold me still.

I need your steadfast promises, as much as they seem too good to be true. 

The end.

I was never good enough.
You were never mine.

I'm sorry.
I love you so much.
So much so much so much.

D-31

Exactly one month left. 

April has brought on drastic changes. 

May brought me home. 

June has been good and relaxing. 

July has been rewarding. 

What will August bring?

A new beginning. 

The start of another school year. 

Another year away from home. 

It is as if I've never left. 

If home where is the heart is,

can you please learn to adapt oh Mr Heart?

We find happiness in the simplest things.

And ironically sometimes, in the absence of things we think matter so much. 

Cold water. Giggles. Company. Laughter. 

I'll miss this. 

Ghosts of the Past

It lies dormant. 

Waiting for the perfect chance. 

Reminding you of its existence,

it's never-ending presence. 

Your ghosts of the past.

It hides beneath the covers,

with long nails waiting to prance,

its darkness waiting to happen.

It lurks within your hair,

it loiters behind your chest.

And when the right time comes,

It takes over the rest. 

Your brain, your mind,

Your heart or your soul.

Or what is left of your memories,

and your blood that has turned cold. 

You fall victim to the same darkness.

Stronger than before.

They say time can heal,

But yet you can't stand tall. 

But through this darkness you must endure,

like all the times you've done before.

The light will come, the pain will numb,

until you breathe no more. 

I'm Guilty..

.. and I know it.
Two blog posts per week is harder than I thought! (Excuses!)
Primarily because ,
1. I'm busy. Like duh, graduate student ma.. *innocent face*
2. My life is not very interesting here. Unless you want to read my readings. Or journals.

Which is exactly my genius idea.
A journal is like a diary right?
And blogging is something like a virtual diary right?
And I write at least one journal every week, right?

So.. You're very welcome.

________________________________________________________________________________________________

The Full Catastrophe

Here we go again, the start of a new semester, a fresh journey, dwindling on the seemingly same subjects but discovering new things at every nook and turn. I started out with an immense amount of gung-ho-ness, ready to take on the semester, however hectic it may be. And then the list of readings came, may it be book chapters or journals. It was terrifying, to say the least. But surprisingly, I realize it wasn’t as bad as it seems, and shockingly, I actually enjoyed reading some of these!

My two current favorites are Yalom and Kabat-Zinn. The one thing I truly loved about Kabat-Zinn’s book was the use of simple, everyday happenings that were relatable to almost everyone. In regards to meditation, I loved how he used the simple analogy of eating, and how we can only do it for ourselves, to fully depict the act of meditating. The message was simple, that no one can help us but ourselves.  

As for Yalom, I love his wistful insight on psychotherapy and his experience in this field is just overwhelming (in addition to the book having short chapters!). Yalom talks about being genuine to the patient, to openly admit errors, to show them how influential they may be, and to freely state what they mean to you. As ideal as this sounds, as helpful this may be in fostering a satisfactory therapist-patient relationship, I am left baffling over how do I really do all this without stepping over the professional line. Yalom provides a beautiful perceptiveness into what he thinks and consequently does in instances of his past therapy sessions, yet I find it disconcerting that he does not go on to elaborate. So what happens after admitting your errors and mistakes to the patient? How is it that we can state we are similarly confused when we are expected to be the therapist, the professional in the relationship? If we take each and every patient to heart, how do we ultimately separate the person from the profession?

With all these questions in mind, I was worried. I searched for the answers but found none satisfactory, and I was somehow.. disturbed. The fear of being permanently changed or consumed by the responsibilities and job of a therapist arose. In other words, do therapists have a life other than being a therapist? Being mindful of my inner turmoil, I decided to venture inwards.

I believe one of the main reasons to this underlying fear is a personal encounter with a dedicated church-based counselor, my aunt. Her profession of counseling troubled teenagers has brought on changes, subtle yet prominent. Contradictory it may seem, but these changes were nothing out of ordinary. She was still the kind and the loving aunt, yet something beneath has obviously taken a turn. My best attempt at describing the “change” would be that she was constantly exposed to a stream of negative energy, and somehow it had all balled up and formed a wall around her. She was there, somewhere, but was also hidden; beneath the stresses of life, not only her own but also those of her patients. One was not able to pinpoint the exact changes, yet no one in the family could deny its obvious existence. Has her patients changed her? Has she taken it too seriously into her that all the negativity from conducting therapy sessions lurked within?

I hated changes; I am one who relishes in stability and certainty. Yet, I am glad I was able to put my meager knowledge of mindfulness to practice, and took the time to truly look into my fear and somewhat judgmental thoughts I have regarding this issue. Almost instantly, I noted, changes, in itself, is inevitable. One might put the blame on her profession as a counselor, but ultimately as human beings, our experience shapes who we are today, and I believe it is the same for each and every one out there, regardless of his or her profession. Simply put, people change, and it is not the change that matters, but how we respond (not react!) to the change that will truly affect us.

It is scary somehow, to think about the amount of “greatness” one would expect of a clinician or a psychologist. How is it that we, human beings no different from the patients themselves, are able to transcend beyond all the wants and needs of the complicated human life, and be able to help others while struggling to find our true self? Perhaps, this is what we are all ultimately searching for on this journey of education; it is definitely more than just skills and knowledge, it is about realizing who we are and what we are capable of, and eventually how we can play our part in giving back to the society and those in need.

I take to heart the saying, “An unexamined life is not worth living”. Let this busy (and crazy) semester be another fruitful expedition of learning, of ourselves and of our abilities. Let it be as well a journey worth surveying, a story worth telling and ultimately (hopefully), leading us to a life worth living. With all these in my pocket, I think I am now even more prepared and equipped to take on the “full catastrophe” of the semester. Let’s do this!

________________________________________________________________________________________________


I'm betting most of you just scanned through without reading.
And that's perfectly understandable.
But for those of you who did, I hope it helped you think of some of your inner fears, and ultimately your journey in life.

I know its March but I think its never too late.
To a fabulous year ahead!

独在异乡为异客， 每逢佳节倍思亲

这句谚语，
再也适合不过了。

本来还以为这儿没什么新年气氛，
自然就会不想念，
但该死的科技，
该死的面子书，
把新年该有的表现得天衣无缝。

我，又想家了。
我想要过年，
我想要穿新衣吃团圆饭，
想拜年想要红包。
我想回家。 T.T

第一次离乡背井过新年，
少了家人，少了热闹，少了红包；
多了独立，多了想念，多了珍惜。

但情况真的比想象中理想，
没有哭哭啼啼，
没有哭闹喧哗。
意识着蛇年一个好的开始！

蛇年，我要：
心想事成
万事如意
身体健康
学业猛进
财源滚滚

...应该不会太贪心吧？

And so the work begins..

Done with week 1 and 2 of the semester!
Its at this point when you are faced with the dilemma of whether to be sad or happy.
As for me..
I am apprehensive and anxious and excited.
This semester is definitely interesting, with 5 classes to ace, a thesis to start, being a teaching assistant and a part-time job to answer to.
I love my life.
No sarcasm. I'm serious.
I love being busy, I thrive under stressful situations.
All I need now is a larger dose of positivity.
Faith that I will be able to excel in all aspects amidst all these busy-ness.

The readings are Ker Ray Zay!
If you remember me complaining commenting about the readings last semester,
those are nothing compared to what I have now.
But interestingly enough, I think I'm starting to actually enjoy these readings.
No, wait, let me rephrase.
I enjoy SOME of these readings.
Yea, that's more like it.

Anyway.
Today I came across one of the most demotivating incident.
And I was pleasantly surprised how quickly I bounced back.
Well, not perfectly but at least I took a big step out of the sinking sand of self-pity.
Hwaiting!
One of the biggest motivator is the fact that I'll be home in less than four months!
Say Yay!

Random Photo-Talk

Me and the girls. First week of class!

Trying out Arby's for the first time. So-so but their burger is kinda unique! 

Culver city.

Getting in touch with my "artistic" side. Ahem ahem. 

Lazy everyday look. aka Bad Hair Day. 

Random ootd shot! 

Ok back to readings.
February's gonna be a good month!
HAVE FAITH! STAY STRONG!

xoxo