(Another) Revamp: First Post as a PhD Student

Hi blog,

I have decided to rename you. Something along the lines of "Life of a PhD Student" or "The Crazy Ups and Dows of a PhD Student" or you know, you get it. The thing is, I think I do need it. I need to be able to write and express my feelings and thoughts and emotions, and to be able to write in a non-academic way. I don't want to lose that!

So anyway, it's been a crazy two weeks (three?). I don't know I've kinda lost count. And more often than not, I lose sight of what my ultimate goal is, and focusing on all the little tedious steps really isn't helping. Perhaps keeping a journal/blog of my 5 year journey is going to save my sanity. That and dayre is just different. I like dayre cos it's small and compact and easy and nice for remembering day-to-day stuff, but nothing is as therapeutic as just talking and rambling and by talking I mean typing.

Okay, so what to expect when you're into your third week of a PhD program? Well, basically, everything and nothing.

Be prepared for lots of readings. Like Lots and lots and readings. That's not too bad really.

Be prepared to be doing "nothing". This is the hard part for me. As a PhD student all I want to do is jump into research and start my journey being a "scientist". And as much as you know, I have a good advisor and interesting topics and all its just not the way it works. It comes back to reading. You need to read to know the literature, read to get ideas, read to be able to hone in and determine what you really want to do.. Sounds easy? No. Not really. The waiting, the uncertainty, the "but I'm interested in everything" really doesn't do you any good.

Hopefully I'll be back with more good news. I mean I will. I should be getting busier, and hopefully more in tuned to being a future PhD holder.

I'll try to make my entries more objective and professional and about school, but let's be real, I'm pretty much an emotional person. Although that's now a weird word to use.. Considering we still can't define "emotion" yet, well thats what the literature review says anyway. (I'm taking an emotion class this semester, that should explain it)

Okay now. Blogging during my office hours are SO NOT professional.

又，想家，想着未来

今天，我又想家了。
想起在家里的日子，想着未来有多少日子会不在家，
想念没有半点犹豫的时光。

我在这里的日子没有不开心，
我遇见了生命中重要的他，
我遇见了我的未来，
但慢慢的，
我也觉得我好想念属于我的那个地方，
那个家。

我担心失去原来的我，
我抗拒放弃真正的自己。
他没有要求我为他改变，
但是事实摆在眼前，
这段感情，不，应该说，
每一段感情，
都需要付出。

这个远距离爱情，
这个属于我的未来，
怎么离家那么远啊？

PSY 571: Advice

At some point in life, you needed it.

The different perspective, the input, the suggestion, the advice.

To guide you, lead you, and possibly take you to where you need to go.

It was helpful, useful, and it was exactly what you needed.

It was the light at the end of the tunnel, the message from a higher power, the solution to all your problems.

It was given and you received it, you took it and made it work for you.

This is the good advice.

At some point in life, you rejected it.

It was foolish, biased, and it wasn’t what you needed, or more accurately, it wasn’t what you wanted.

It wasn’t helping the situation, and you didn’t need to hear it.

What’s more, you did not ask for it.

You heard it, but you left it as it was.

This is the ignored advice.

At some point in life, you took it.

The advice that seemed to brighten up your journey, the one that put on a façade of goodness.

You thought you found the way, the perfect answer to your situation.

 You trusted the one who gave you this little piece of “knowledge”, you thought nothing could go wrong.

You were weak, and lost, and it seemed like the perfect thing to do.

It’s too late now, you look back and you realize that really wasn’t what you intended to do.

You took it, but you regretted it.

This is the bad advice.

At some point in life, you realize the best advice comes from knowing what you really want.

The best advice comes in the form of genuine care and concern and an understanding of you, your needs, and your wants.

The best advice comes from the one that possesses no hidden agenda.

The best advice comes from you.

Communication is bullshit

Whats the point of trying to communicate your feelings?

You try to tell the person your feelings. And then what? DO you expect them to sympathize with what you're going through? To empathize and understand? To be happy for you? To try to fix it? Seriously.. What is the point of communication between couples?

I find myself asking that question one time too often. I've got a gazillion thoughts running through my head every day, and half of them are about you. But should I tell you about them, would it help us grow, what would these sharing of thoughts and feelings do for us?

Nothing.

Its the sad truth. No relationship should, and would withstand complete honesty. And Im not even trying to be "completely" honest here. Whats the point of saying something that won't mean anything, or affect the relationship in a good way?

Yes, I'm mad about this.

Yes, I'm angry about how irresponsible you are. 

Yes, I wish you would change and understand how much your words mean to me..

Yes, I take your words very seriously and I hope you see that.

But then again, I should not expect anyone to change for me, no? So whats the point? whats the point really of communicating my "needs"? 

I always tell my friends. "You should make sure he knows how you feel". I guess I'm a hypocrite in this way. At this point, I don't see the point for that really. I'm learning to love the person for who he is, and its up to me to live with this. If it doesn't suit you, leave. 

Is this how most relationship end? I think so. 

But what can I do? Nothing much. 

February

February has been a taxing month so far. Hell, what am I saying? This year has been crazy. Not only the things that has happened but also getting ready for things that are going to take place. And this two weeks especially, has been really bittersweet.

1. Getting in, and out, and in again into a PhD program

UC Merced offered me a spot. Thank God! I guess I am the luckiest girl sometimes, Im pretty sure its by His grace that I am even remotely considered for this spot. I don't know what He has in store for me though, an if anything, I'm kinda bitter about it. Really? A PhD? Another 4 years into research and having no life? Sigh. I guess I can do it. If this is the way You have planned for me Father, I'll do it, I'll excel like I've always pushed myself to.

2. It was a great boost of ego and confidence

Don't get me wrong. I may not sound too ecstatic about getting into a PhD program, but i cannot deny how much this has really motivated me to work harder on my thesis, and validated my abilities and capabilities to once again excel like I should. It has also given me more patience and understanding to deal with people like S. And above everything else, it gives me hope. That I am definitely going to graduate and I can make a future for myself here.

3. It posts a challenge to our relationship.

Well I guess we could safely say that we're kinda over the honeymoon phase. I wasn't expecting it to be all smooth sailing and lovey dove. Hell we never had that we always had our significant downtimes and fights that I'm grateful we pulled through. But this was something else. Within myself, for I could not speak for him, I felt joy, but it was intertwined with guilt; I felt relieved (mainly because I get to stay in the country and be here with him); but it was overshadowed by fear that he might leave me anyway. It was a weird time, i could feel his anger, his depression, his sense of resentment, and while it was not targeted at me; i could not draw the line between what he is feeling and what we are feeling as a whole. The distance, the harboring of guilt and anger, the misunderstandings, the doubt, the fear, the uncertainty. Will our love be strong enough? I don't know, but I know I will do anything it takes to sustain this relationship.

4. I'm still fat

You know when Rob Kardashian termed the last year of his life as one of his lowest points cos he's just fat and unhealthy and has super low self esteem and shit? I think there is where I am now. I wouldn't go as far as to say these are the darkest moments of my life, cos it obviously isn't, but health wise, I really do need to buckle up and start a more positive lifestyle. Age is catching up on me and that makes me depressed too. I am NOT looking forward to my birthday, now surprise there but I think life is generally good and its just so unfair and so stupid to let something like my weight, which is fully within MY control, to overshadow all the joy and happiness in life.




I want to make February a good month. I can. And I will. Let's do this.

新年新万象

快新年了
脸书满满都是准备过年的消息
其实心里还真的有些酸酸的
但说不上伤心
也并没有遗憾
毕竟是自己的选择
自己就该负责

只是
还是想家
还是想念了
在这儿我也不是不开心的
我有一个很疼我的他
说得上是幸福的小女人吧
但是怎么说彼此的不同和分别
就在这时候特别的闪烁
提醒我
要是选择了这条路
一样是不容易的

天啊
我应该就是天生爱挑战吧

January 2014

Is the world coming to an end?

Is there anything we can do about it?

Oh before we go further on this morbid topic, welcome to 2014:

A new year, a new beginning. A change in the way we sign the date at the bottom of the page.

I don't see anything to be excited about. 

And with this NEW year,

The same old shit, same old challenges, same old hardship, same old me.

You're still in school; doing the same boring homework,

Or maybe you're still doing the same thing at the same job you hate;

so what is new really?

Why the fuck do we celebrate the coming of a new year as if it is something really exciting?

Bullshit. 

I sound so bitter. Which really isn't the case. I'm just weird. 

This year's epiphany is that new and exciting and being just different is really a matter of perception.

I realize I'm going to the same school, studying about the same old things, but yet I find something new in every class i go to, a new information, or a new way to handle people i find annoying and hateful. I find joy in still being a student, i love slaving myself to achieve the best grades possible. I even enjoy being beaten down and challenged sometimes by things and tasks i find difficult, followed by the sense of achievement when i finally conquer that one exam or assignment. It's fun, and it's coming to an end. That's not fun. 

But maybe 2013 has really changed me. What am I saying, of course it has!

I'm dealing with the same insecurities and uncertainties, maybe even more, but yet hope and joy and most importantly of all faith seems to lead the way perfectly fine. 

Faith in God's plan, in my own ability to adapt and persevere no matter how bad the situation may be, not that it will be bad lol, but also faith in that you know, things always work out for the best. If you know what I mean. 

I've got so many things to look forward to. SO many.

And so many things to be grateful for. 

Life is overwhelming sometimes, but that is life. 

And i enjoy it, a lot.