I'll be there for you

Two strong men got up to fight,
Brawling, spewing when their needs collide.

Conflicts arise, and its never polite,
reality is always here to strike.

I'm glad you made a decision.
Clear and just and you know it's right.

Its not permanent, its a transition.
The trouble you see, it won't bite.

But hey, do place in mind,
For whatever you need, I will (try to) provide.

Trying my level best and putting it insight,
I'll be there for you,
through the darkest of nights.

i shud smile like this

I've learned to smile in the midst of darkness.
Emerging,
from a swamp of never-ending sorrow.

It was a battle I fought my way through,
with the help of a sunshine,
I finally left you.

It was never easy,
the haunting never stops.
If the past could stay in its place,
I would be more than grateful.

I care.
I do.
But you have no right to mess me up like a fool.

Merry Christmas.

its the season to be jolly

Before its too late everyone, Merry Berry Christmas!


Time flies (banyak cliche i know),
and here we are again.
Christmas. Presents. And a time of reunions.
So much have happened this year that I dunno where to start,
but the bottomline is,
I am grateful for all He hath done,
for me.


Im a happy girl now.
Or so I think. =)
May this festive season brings all kinds of happiness to all of you loved ones out there.


Let the past be past,
and let old hurt be forgotten (yea right).


Embrace the future with hope,
for however uncertain it might seem,
Nothing beats a hopeful heart,
with faith as its seams.


This is such a random post.
*laughs*
Im rambling (as usual).

Merry Christmas everyone!
And to the very special you, happy first Christmas! LOL

so near

You're sitting right in front of me.
I don't know if you can see what I see:
this is the best anything can be.

No words. Not a sound.
Yet I know you're here, with me.

I try not to sneak obvious glances,
for fear you'll see it through.
I really am happy for you,
really.
But somehow,
the separation got me blue.

Thesis Syndrome

I just can't wait for all this to be over.
Like the day I can finally forget it,
for good.

It's bugging me so much that I wanna sit down and cry.
I am lost with no direction,
not a single clue on how to continue from here.

Its a huge mess tat needs cleaning.
a crazy pile that needs organizing.

Kill me.
Like Now.

Stress, and more

Yours truly is currently at a strange, unfamiliar place.
Surrounded by strange, unfamiliar people.
And all these added on to Inde-B stress.
Tat shud explain the weird, strange photo above.

I'm on a mission.
To finish my work today,
and to keep the old one company.

The unfamiliar-ness is killing me.
But I'm projecting all good thoughts to later where we will be spending the day together.


Summoning all positive thoughts and energy. <3

Wish me luck.

wandering.wondering

The wanderer.
She walked out of flames.
Falling into a loving embrace.
She wandered through a new path,
exploring the pathway she have not seen.
She saw the rainbow and its colors,
she smelled the fragrance of the flowers.
But the flowers came with hidden thorns,
and happiness, with pain.

She wondered.
Why was it that the sky turned red?
Why was it that the road was never straight?
She pondered on the inner rumble,
wondering what was all the rapture.
There was no clear direction,
and she sat down,
crying,
in the same old fashion.

if i die young

Thank you for being there.
Thank you for understanding.
Thank you for being the only source,
of light and hope and all I can ask for.

I'm not weak.
I'm merely exhausted.
I'm not strong,
I'm merely a great actress.

The play of life has wore me down.
The end,
I see it, I feel it.
The end isn't mine to be,
but yet,
the pain it brings,
I see and feel.

I'm perfectly fine.
I'm back to square one.

If I become a rainbow.
You'll see me shining.
Promise.

=)

who you are

I stare at my reflection in the mirror.
Why am I doing this to myself.

Losing my mind on a tiny error.
I nearly left the real me on the shelf.
To lose it all in the blur of the start.
Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing.

It's okay not to be okay.
Sometimes it's hard to follow your heart.
Tears don't mean you're losing, everybody's bruising.

Just be true to who you are.



Can't get this song out.

Verge

Stress has taken its toll on this useless shell.
As if my emotions need further verification of the difficult times.
as if this would validate the fact that yes,
all I want to do is curl up, cry, and forget.

If this was a challenge Lord,
what is is that you want me to learn?
I have erased blaming out of my system,
yet you bring back the complainer in me.
Lord,
I'm tired.
I'm lost.
I cannot understand.

abandoned

Perhaps I am a passer by,
a cheater of time,
a small character of the storyline.

Perhaps I was never meant to be,
the shooting star,
but the one at far.

Perhaps this was never suppose to be it,
but because we were weak,
training came.

Perhaps I should stop and sleep,
and wander deep,
into the dream I seek.

Perhaps we all know this is not the truth,
yet sometimes there's no way,
but to think like a fool.

If only strength could equate courage,
and courage came from love,
If only confusion was nothing but mist,
and illusion was as obvious.

If only.

angelic

And so they say,
When difficulties strike,
you see one's real side.

I was taken aback.
Not by thy others but yet my own weakness.
The inability to cope.
Incompetency to be low.

I was taken aback.
By how God has situated angels around me.
The understanding friends,
the ever considerate bunch.
They put a smile to my face,
telling me the dark ain't tat bad.

Thank you.
To all of you.
and you know who you are.

Thank you.

All grown up

Seeing the world through the eyes of,
not my own. Nothing familiar.
No more running,
forget hiding.
Reality is here to stay.

The pillar of strength,
or so once I thought.
Perhaps there's nothing stronger,
than determination itself.

Doubting my chosen path,
yet stubbornness would not give way.
Helpless and incompetent,
but learning has its own way.

And all i need is faith.
And strength and more strength.
Endurance.
That shall make my day.

Beginning of An end

And here, it comes to an end.
The end of a road taken.
The end of a journey chosen.

We had fun.
and tears. and sweat.
We had craziness.
and spontaneity. and unity.

The beginning of a new journey.
What lies ahead?
An uncertainty,
unpredictable by many.

snoitasucca

Little hiccups.
Little falls.
Little red bulbs, tat light up the hall.

It is a process.
It is mandatory.
But to view it as negative, it's not compulsory.

I'm sorry for the words u termed,
accusations and others that stung.
I'm sorry for the ignorance,
and the mistrust I brought along.

checkpoint 0.3

Our footsteps lingered on the pathway.
In pairs,
reminding me,
how quickly I have paced.
through the dark and the wilderness.

With you,
time seem to pass.
With a type of numbness.
Hath the bleeding stop?
I wonder.

Is it time to move on completely?
You,
provided an answer.

Challenges.
It fills this way.
throwing us from bay to bay.

It ain't a bed of roses.
And yes, it is expected.
But when things seem to cloud up our vision,
would you say you'll stay?

My world sees no tomorrow.
It only registers today.
So trust me when I tell you,
I don't need no promises,
as long as you are present,
here,
with me,
today.

sometimes

..and this is one of the days when you wake up and resent living.

the demands placed on you,

by yourself and by others.

taking up your space to even breathe.

suffocation,

sometimes.

They call it stress.

I call it life.

放不下。

金牛非要固执不可。

是感情，

是学业，

是事物，

是过去，

是回忆，

是无法改变的事实。

我从学不会放手。

累了自己，

累了别人。

无心的话，

却是最真实的感叹。

学会接受，

忠言逆耳的事实。

只是，

我还没学会，

从这儿，

我该怎样往前走。

A lil bit of September

Cuzzies' staying over.
hasn't been this happening since a long time.
Sneaked out at 3am to get take-away KFC.
Imagine.
The fat-ass ness of the action?
Superb.

Anyway,

a recap of the month of September so far.

Bangkok/Pattaya with the Babes

This was somewhat before September.

A non-hassle, no begging others trip to Bangkok and Pattaya.

Crazy shopping spree. =)

Its always nice to travel with people you feel comfortable with.

MATTA Fair came head first.

Tiring, as usual.

Packed, as usual.

Satisfying, as usual as well.

The unusual thing?

Nothing was the same anymore.

Numbed may be the best term.

Po's birthday was next.

Judging by the piccies,

you enjoyed it I hope? =)

p/s: special thanks to all who made it tat night. It wud have not been possible without you people. =)

And then it was off to Singaland.

It was simple, relaxing, and pretty interesting.

Coming right up. =)

Repetition

Sometimes,
I get lost in the maze of your mysterious ways.

Sometimes,
I do not know the appropriate step to take.

Sometimes,
I ponder on the possibility of me at fault.

Sometimes,
I wonder whether I place the stakes too high.

Sometimes,
I just want to know what to do.
And how to.

Most of the time,
I don't get the needed answer.

Solitude

It is not the first,
won't be the last.
I was taught how to put on an act,
but not to accept.

How unfortunate.
But practical.

Where is my base?
How do I stand up for myself,
when I know I don't have the rights.
Hypocritical,
the worse kind,
me.

Hear no evil.
But they won't stop.
Speak no evil?
They have showed me how impossible.

Taking up the blame for my own actions.

Trudging.
Solitary comes into action.

Somethings never change.

Some pain never go away.

Last Semester

I'm old.
But I'm not alone.
*evil grin*

Pinky promises that we shall make the best out of our last semester?


♥-ing each and every one of you. =)

Merdeka?

Right before the fireworks subside,
the people cheer.
A celebration, it seems.
Yet,
it is no better than a rotten apple.

A beautiful outlook?
Even this, is crumbling.
With macro issues such as global warming and poverty,
one cannot sustain own's desire: of greed and selfishness.

This is Malaysia.

What am I saying?
I am disappointed.

Who's fault to blame?
For this,
I can't say anything.
For I don't want to disappear, too.

Multiracial?
Multicultural?
Or multiracism?

You be the judge.

Gah

I'm bored.
I'm angry.
I'm pissed off.
I'm annoyed.



I'm lifeless.

Where's the post-exam celebration party?
L-I-F-E-L-E-S-S.

I'm so annoyed at myself for being so annoyed tat I've resorted to biting.
Again.
How pathetic is that?

I have to restrain my emotions.
For lashing out on the innocents.
Sigh.

I'm such a whining kid.
Who can't even stay home for one night.

Ugh.
FML. Big time.

念

过去，
让它过去。

你问我怎么故事停顿了，
我想，
因为一切不再一样了。

遗憾，
到现在还是可以撕裂般的痛。
把心脏放进果汁机打碎，
最恰当不过的形容。

生气。
不甘心。
遗憾。
失望。
绝望。

我，
现在过得很好。

回忆，
我只想把它留在最甜美。
眼泪，
止不住，
却已经不能挽回什么。

我选择向前，
这一刻，
只能希望你一样会过得很好。

保重。

.... and found?

Tick tock, goes the clock.
I wanna move on,
but somehow,
a part of me, locked.

Tick tock, calls the clock.
It's time to forget,
to forgive and accept.
I wanna be happy,
but somehow,
a part of me, sobbed.

Tick tock, shouts the clock.
"I wait for no one", it says.
Treasure the moment,
live in the present.
I want to breathe and see,
but somehow,
a part of me, lost.

Find me.
Please.

After the storm

A huge step taken.
You know what my babe doll?
You are so much more courageous than I am.

I was a coward.
Maybe I still am.
Had my hands over the other's heart,
and when it turned cold,
mine was the one shattered.

A simple change.
A loud message.
From attached to single,
I never had the courage.
Nor the privilege to tell the world,
I walked out of my dream, so surreal.

So baby,
you're doing great.
With tears of joy and sorrow,
you know I'll always be in your tomorrow.

For things might end,
and love may change.
For promises may send,
false hope and the wrong message.

But you know,
and I know too.
That whatever happens,
I'll be here for you.

再辛苦还有我和你。♥

hurdles

If life is a racetrack,
and we are the runners,
I am thankful for the hurdle that tripped me.
For the fall brought my eyes to see,
wonders that I thought were only possibilities.

and then we moved on.
and then we continued running.
for life is short,
and time is flying.

A smooth run at first,
but now we come face to face.
The first hurdle.

It wasn't high, nor impossible.
Yet it posed a challenge,
for it required a leap that was unknown.

We took the leap.
Or at least, I think we did.
We tripped, we fell flat.
But to me,
it wasn't that bad.

For it was with you.
For the hurdle forced us to.
To comprehend understanding.
To bring out something new.

世界.太多.不开心

世界太多的烦恼。

除了强颜欢笑，
还可以怎么熬？

想闹，
他人面前，
担心自己没礼貌。
回到，
一个人的空间，
又好像没有大哭的必要。

疲劳，
好像，
真的好像，
就可以这样死掉。

相信这一种煎熬，
都是生命的提要。
要学会长大，
学会坚强，
学会什么都能够不要。

是学业也好，
是感情也好，
操劳，
迟早，
被忧郁套牢。

annoying arrogance

I got cooked up.
Flared up.
Short tempered.
Then I sit and wonder,
what brought on the sudden anger?

Because you have no rights to judge me.
You look at me through yr limited understanding,
judging and making your own conclusions.
About ME.

You would say I was overly conscious.
And perhaps that is true.
But then again,
what rights you have,
to judge me by your rule?

I should not be bothered.
Yet your arrogance made it impossible.
The way you treated people around you,
those who are dear to me.
I cannot dislike you,
for that would hurt the one who matters.

But I would not deny.
As this surge of disgust is too strong.
I wud have care less if u're a total stranger.
Yr actions make me gag.

Now it is anger.
That fills this empty knowing.
For how you judged me naively,
I will not judge you back.

Episode Number?

August.
And we're now left with less than 4 months.

Time flies.
Something I can't deny.
Time heals.
A concept I'm clinging on to.
Too tight maybe?
Too tight it hurts.

Have I made progress?
I'm eager to know, yet shunned by the truth.

Topsy Turvy.
When will things get back on track?
Detached.
When will I see through the eyes of this girl, ever again?

Cluster Buster

I hate it when I cannot identify my own feelings.
It's the worse type,
when emotions become unidentified.

A cluster.
I call them the bundle.
Tied up in different emotions,
without any being the superior.
Shit happens.
And when you cannot comprehend,
it's gonna bother you forever.

I'm sorry.
Perhaps it wasn't me to blame,
but I play a role.

I feel guilty,
I feel annoyed at myself,
I feel stupid,
I feel happy I was there to help,
I feel angry cos it was my problem to start with,
I feel frustrated,
I feel bad,
I feel comforted that I did not panic,
I feel annoyed again for being bothered by it.

And now it ends.
With a sleepless night.

p/s: Can someone stop the banging sound that is replaying non-stop?

ouch

Tell me what can I do to make this feeling go away?
To stop and stay,
To make your tiredness go away.

The single syllable, you make my heart feel.
It's more than just a lil,
I wanna hug you so you could feel.

Sigh.

I am Incompetent,
For i fear i add to your burden.

Grateful for being able to stay by your side.
At times like this,
I treasure every moment throughout this night.

What would life be?
If it wasn't for this exact day, 3 months back?

ILY. <3

contiguous confrontation

Thank you for taking the first step.
We were never the confrontative type,
and I know how much this must have bothered you.

Thankful for your presence,
and for this I stand on par with you.
For He must have his own reason.
and I believe this applies to you.

You were the fairytale of my harsh world,
your perkiness balancing my negativism.
Try as i might,
you know my intention.
It was more a protective than a selfish act,
I really hope you can comprehend.

Shoot, we were never the mushy type.
Somehow, now we know why.
The wall was thick, we chose not to see,
but now that it's down,
I'm just relieved.

So idiot,
you know I love you too.
It's not gonna be easy,
but you know I'll try me best.
I know we're different,
that somehow we dun see eye to eye.
But perhaps this happens for a reason,
it's time to stop the lie.

Sorry.
Thank you.
You're always be my one and only idiot.

Toppling totem

What's your totem?


The spinning top.
The reality check.
Are we there yet?

Wean me off your warm embrace!
Stop making my heart race.

It gasps for breath,
Without you it is a wrath.

Are you my totem?
Telling me,
how beautiful reality can be?

Or are you a dream?
Incepted, yet not quite mine to be?

and we fall back into the arms of grace

It cud have been hard.
But you made it simple.
Complicated at first,
but you brought colors.

and then we had more of others.
A little here,
a little there.
Suffocating sometimes,
but then we know who really matters.


And so,
we took a leap of faith.
If we fall, we might just go ablaze.
Yet it's a risk,
I have to take,
ascertain that this is a sign of grace.

Runaway. Weee~

Blogging at this hour can only mean two things:
1. I'm suffering from another insomnia attack
2. I'm using my blog as an escape route from assignments and/or examinations

Considering the hectic week I'm expecting,
it's definitely a Number 2.

*takes a long sigh*

I know.
It's been a long time since I blogged in human language.
But then again,
well..

The dreaded day hath passed.
I was the fool, no surprise there.
But glad things came to an end.

It's stupid when I insist to blog when I have just squeezed my mind of all possible creativity for journal assignment.

This is when sucky blogposts like this one appears.

Arrgh.

Back to reality, it seems.



Random: I miss my loonngg hair with red highlights. =(

bmun.numb

They call it drama.
I just want it to stop.

To a point where the brain ceases to function.
where the heart forgoes all emotions.

I stopped.
Thinking, feeling, seeing.
The luxury of senses.
The mechanism of defenses.
I,
am my own biggest enemy.

To point the gun to where it matters.
The temple, the throat, the brain?
I chose the heart.
Painful.

I'm dying a slow death.

Life goes on

I have to quote you.
Life goes on.

For you and for me.
We now are separate entities.

Once an item,
once we see,
the very same kind of scenery.

and now we know.
how different life cud be.

without you.
without me.

if this is what you seek,
if this is you I see.
let it be,
let it be.

no complaints.
residual, it has to be.
but time will know,
for wounds would seal.
and then,
we will wake up,
and find that days has passed,

to feel,
that nothing touches how the past wud have.

life goes on.

Illusory existence

I am an entity.
An existence.
But do you see me?

I am in touch with humanity.
Yet, i remember not my human side.
For I've been an entity too long,
it left me.

Perhaps none was the beginning.
And thus nothingness is the end.
Perhaps sorrow was the foundation.
and hence it should now end.

Detached,
I see how life is.
A blur of images,
of greed and desires,
of selfishness and hurt.

Love.
another illusory existence.

You were my world.
My one and only.
You were my everything.

You.
Are my past.

You.
The source of pain, of tears, of a hatred I've never known.

I see the pain.
I see the road less traveled.
I see how it should be.
I see not how it would end.

I look.
I seem to see.
I deem to feel.
I yearn to leave.

To depart.
To ignore.
To forget.

Yet,
I simply am not here.

where's numbness when u need it

With love, comes hate.
With happiness, comes sorrows.
With laughters, comes tears.

How could i almost overlooked the ugly truth?
The harsh reality of two sided truth.
The counter-effect to everything.

A wrong step perhaps?
A sign of weakness.
Indulgence caught me unaware.

And now I pay.
The consequences.
The dark. The tears. The uncertainty.
Too familiar, I say.

No.
Thought stopping.
Mind halting.
I cannot do this.
I cannot let myself go back there.
No.

I'm not ready.

I don't want to.

Idiosyncratic Indulgence

what do you see?

Of happiness and sorrows.
Of tears and laughters.

Of ways that are peculiar.
Idisyncratically mine.

Indulging.
Comprehending the consequences,
yet not knowing where to stop.

I'm no longer sane.

I'm walking with no direction.
Running away from something I cannot see.

Tell me I'll be okay.

All in favor, say Aye.

Antagonistic Acceptance

It wasn't meant to be.
The critiques were close, holding the pen, ready to overthrow.
I hung on.
And on.
And now its gone.
It was never meant to be, maybe?
The acceptance that gained criticisms.
I went against the rules, as usual.

It wasn't meant to be either.
The players complicated, insecure yet intoxicated.
I followed on.
Ever the protagonist, now I'm the ugly villain.
The acceptance that overwhelms.
I'm blessed.

Instinctive Intervention

I barged in, hurt and wounded.
The past that would not let go.
Your open embrace.
A fall back, a rebound, they say.
Instinctive, yet rightful, I say.

I struggled, dazed and puzzled.
Trying to find my way, the present was unclear.
Your guiding hand.
An infatuation, a recuperative symptom, they say.
An interlude, yet capable of being more, I say.

I stopped, moving no further.
The past holds too much, the future too little.
Your promises.
Another deception, like any other, they say.
An intervention, permanent, I say.

idiot

we were never the mushy slash lovey dovey type.
but u know i love you. =)



These pictures are the ones we'll look back and cry about.
Time flies.
And i know I'll miss u girls.

Love u all. <3

Happy birthday once again, idiot-who-is-at-Genting-her-second-home!


Tried something out of the norm.
p/s: You know this is for you. =)


Nite lovelies. =)

they say..

..Love hurts.

I can't help but agree.

It hurts when its new.
It's raw and needs time to brew.

It hurts when it seems perfect.
Beautiful yet you know not what to expect.

It hurts when it turns ugly.
Cos the people you love dun seem who they used to be.

It hurts when its absent.
You're living life without its essence.

It hurts when you think its true.
Cos you know with love, pain comes too.

The most excruciating truth?
We can't seem to get enough.

bumblebee

They say its a turbulent song.
I say its the perfect song for me to whack something.
or someone.

I know its not worth getting cooked up over.
But seriously,
I am not THAT disposable, am I?

But then again, I know my stand.
I chose the hazy skies and the murky waters.
Steering clear of emotions that may cause more harm than good.

I've got no rights, I know.

I'll shut up.

sunday morning

The amount of effort I willingly go through just to distract myself from starting on my thesis.
Blogging on a Sunday morning.

It's now or never.
Chapter 1 is due tomorrow.
Not a single thing in hand, yet blogging mojo is back.
Sigh.

Life's been a bitch this past week.
Swirling my emotions in more colours than a paddle pop.
It whirls me off the focus,
screw first class honours.
Ugh!

The road not taken.
Guess its the more difficult way?
But then again, if the left way was the right one,
how sure am I the right one is not the correct one?

Focus darling.
Back to church.
Exoh.

你

就是，
想念你。

Please stop, Bangkok

Stop it.

people are dying.
the nation's crying.

blood's flowing.

it's just not right.

Working mode

Gah!



Tomorrow! =(
Mode change needed.
Emo-ness not allowed.
Sheepishness forbidden.
Work.
And work.
And work pls.

就突然

为别人而生存，
是否更加有意义？

生活好累人。
我并没有在埋怨什么。
只是很想就叹息那么一下。
路好长，
好崎岖，
荆棘满地，
我伤痕累累。

忧郁，
使我更加讨厌现状的许嘉敏。
我知道我还是幸福的，
有家人，
有朋友，
有很多关心我的人。

生活再忙，
我并没有忘记感恩。
感激每天的小开心，
感激有得忙碌的生活，
感激一些重拾的友谊。

感叹一些不开心的事。
但生活总该继续。
我选择向前走，
为自己的选择负上责任。

忙碌，
也许为我开启新的路。
告诉我，
该出发了。
丢下伤害，
我并无法重新站起来，
但至少，
我并没有站在原地。

学会原谅，
学会忘记，
学会重新相信。
学会呼吸，
学会微笑。

我要学习生活。

作业嘛，
也真的应该努力了。

high and low

I need to gain control.
High and low.
You make me go.
So hot and yet so cold.
I stupidly followed.

Ugh!

Just fml. Max puh-lease.

Second Day of Last Long Sem

Life's a roller coaster.
Not done with the ups and downs.
Never will be.

I broke down, got right back up.
Escaping reality was not an option.

but God has a plan for all of us, believe much?
Apparently, He loves surprises too. =)

I am still thankful for the hurt and pain.
It made me who I am now.
Moulded. Refined, perhaps?
definitely "older". lol

me thinks life is like a huge memory box.
and somethings (like this) i treasure berry much. =)


Fun is a necessity.
A vital element of life.
Our second day of our Last Long Sem.

Haha, my favorite quote now.
Live like we're dying, no?
We have to constantly remind ourselves how "old" we are,
and how limited our time is.
At least in Uni, as a whole. =(

Sigh. But me loveeee the pictures taken today.
Especially this one! dunno why.
but xiao hui hui not in it. =(


when shall be the next outing?
Aiks.
Sem break most probably?
Sigh sigh.


me edit. lovesss


waiting for the food.


the food. yum yum.


the real us. haha



Btw I think i should blog more.
Now that i still have the "extra" time anyway.

back to work now.

loves.